My life without me [Frerard]

Discussion in 'Completed Fan Fictions' started by Kriss, Apr 7, 2012.

  1. XOLauzzCHEM

    XOLauzzCHEM Member

    I really love this. Its sad in the best possible way and your style of writing is great.
    I can't wait for more.
  2. It's devastating what's happening to Gerard. I feel really sorry for him. I like how strong he acts though. Going through that kind of a trip when you're about to die soon - that's magnificient. And all the guys that came with them - they could basically find Gee dead in the tent in the morning when they wake up - but they still joined and actually have fun.

    I like how they're opening up slowly. It's interesting and leaves me wait for more. I think I said it before already, but I really really like how they have their own problems to deal with and how they took that trip all together.

    Oh, and then there's the relationship in-between Gerard and Frank. I'm not sure if it's funny or awkward how Frank feels like an outsider right now. He doesn't know the guys and came to join on this both physically and metally difficult journey. I really like strong characters, that have problems but leave a clean facade. I also like how Gerard's interested in Frank and how he opened up to him, but not the other guys.

    I really don't want Gerard to die. I know that this is how the storyline goes and he will eventually die, but this is really sad. I haven't really given a thought on young people who have some fatal disease and know that they will die before. But I sometimes wish I would have a condition like that. Not because I'm suicidal, but it takes away all the fear. It would be awesome to be fearless. Haha.

    Still completely in love with the way you write & waiting for more,
  3. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    ^^Thank you so much, happy to have you as a new reader! :) I love your comments! You really get the story :) I know what you mean when you say you somethime wish you had a condition like that. I am terrified of cancer myself, but I have this thought that if I were to find out I have a terminal condition and will die soon, I'd somehow find peace with myself and see the world in a different perspective with different eyes. I think I'd learn to appriciate my life in a whole other level. And that's partly why Gerard isn't freaking out about this condition in the story.
  4. New Reader.
    I am an emotional person, like super emotional, and as soon as I started reading this it made me cry. He's 29, he's hardly had a life, he probably had an amazing future ahead but is killed by his early fate. There is so many things he hasnt done or seen. You describe things so detailed and put things so beautifully. I cant explain how this fic has made me feel or effected me but I can tell you I love it. Please keep it going.
    Update soon.
    The song is beautiful too...
    Cant wait to read more.
    -Bec xx
  5. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    ^Thank you so much! I'm glad this has effected you some way, even if you don't know which, because the reason for this story was to effect people and inspire them to live a full life while you can. I'm really glad to have you as a new reader :)
    I'm writing the next chapter now and I will have it posted ASAP!
  6. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Chapter 3 – It's Grey

    Dear diary. It’s been one week and already my head fool my body to give up…now morphine is the only thing that helps me going. It takes away most of the pain so I’m still walking by myself.

    And then there’s Frank, who I learn more about each day. He seems to think so little of himself, and it’s killing me that he can’t see the beauty in living. He’s lucky because he has his whole life ahead but he doesn’t seem to understand it. He is an unlucky, scared man who hates his job and has his whole life on hold. He’s looking for a purpose to live. I wish I could show him the right direction, but I don’t have enough time. I’m dying and I won’t be here to help him, so he has to learn to live by himself. I guess life is one big school session…you have to learn to be happy in order to succeed.

    I’m also thinking a lot about my friends and my brother. My brother is taking this hard and I sometimes hear him cry at nights. I never walk over to him or let he know I’m awake. He has to learn to deal with this when I’m not around anymore. He has to, or else he’s…he’s screwed. Ray and Bob are somehow dealing with their own problems. We haven’t talked much about it since that night a week ago, but I think they’re going to be okay eventually.
    So my friends are moving on, but I’m only moving further to my own ending. I therefore hope this diary will stay open towards the end so someone can remember it. I hope someone will remember that someone died young.


    We arrive at the east coast around five in the morning. The cold breeze makes waves in the ocean and the sound of the water hitting the stones. For a few minutes I stand on the edge of the ocean, watching as the sun makes the ocean look green. I’m hit by a few of the waves, but they’re so small it’s like being outside in the rain without an umbrella. The guys are studying the map, cursing and scratching their heads. A few moments later Mikey walks over to me and tells me they have no idea which direction we’re going. I mutter a curse and close my eyes. It hadn’t even crossed my mind we could have trouble finding the way, I’d been so certain about the map but now it seemed like one big puzzle.

    “Fuck!” Bob yells, his temper going over the edge like it usually does. “Okay…” He takes a deep breath. “…let’s stay here for a little while and I’ll study the map. We’ve probably just turned a wrong left or something…Fuck!” The situation then takes an unexpected turn when Bob then throws the map on the ground and jump on it with his dirty boots.

    “Bob! What the fuck, stop that!” Mikey pushes him with his bare hands in such force Bob falls on the ground. He then snaps the map from the ground and folds it to the air. “Mother fucker, you ruined the map!” Mikey roars. The map had several holes in it and the dirt made it impossible to read. The map was ruined.

    “It didn’t do us any good, it was useless...” Bob mutters under his breath. We were all aware of Bob’s anger issues but this was ridiculous. I had pulled him away from fights before but now I wanted to hit him with my own hands. “You know what?” I spat at Bob, “you would hate yourself right now!”

    “Yeah, how?” He challenges.

    “This trip has turned into like going for a walk with a sick, white Oprah, you would HATE you right now!” I yell, feeling the anger rising inside me until I suddenly feel dizzy. I sway from side to side before heave for my breath. I feel a hand on my back as I lean down to throw up.

    “Shit,” I hear someone say, but the words keep swaying in the air making me confused. “Get his medicine.” Then someone runs. Another hand on my back. This one is weaker and I only just feel it. I then feel pressure towards my back and I’m forced to lie down. My whole body is acing in pain and I’m on the edge of crying. “Fuuuck.” I cry out as I’m laid on the ground, trying to twist around but these hands are still holding me down. The next thing I feel is the familiar metal against my lips and then the liquid running down my throat. My medicine. The liquor quickly enters my system and I no longer see starts. My sight is slowly going back and the first thing I see is Frank’s face leaning over me. His eyes are huge and he looks frightened, breathing heavily. “You…okay?” he then asks me, obviously effected by what happened to me. “I’m okay…” I mutter, still lying on the ground catching my breath.

    At this point I’m slightly worried. I’d had seizures before, but never as big as this. Was the ending arriving sooner than I thought? Was I in fact only just climbing onto this desperate hope that I’d live to see my thirty’s birthday before I’m gone?

    I then hear the sound of boots smashing through the dirt, quickly making its way down the cliff to where we’re at. My neck still hurt so I can’t turn my head up to see who it is as I still lay on the ground. “Are you guys okay?” The voice is a deep man voice, sounding hoarse and rough on the edges. I can’t quite put my finger on his dialect. “I saw you from the cliff.” He continues.

    “We’re fine.” Bob states, running a hand through his short, blonde hair. He seemed a little startled too. “How long have you been watching us?”

    “I…” the older man starts, then pulls a hand through his gray beard before continuing. “…Not that long. He seems a little odd and out of it and I have a feeling he’s not telling the truth. But I’m not scared and I don’t think any of us are, because even how odd he seemed he looked like a man who couldn’t even startle a mouse. He reminded me of an old sailor.

    “What were you doing up there by yourself anyway?” Frank asks, holding a hand to my head, trying to make me as comfortable as possible.

    “I’m looking for some new best friends.” The man states, confident about the fact that he made us all look at him strangely.

    There’s silence for a few more seconds before Frank opens his mouth, curious. “How long have you been looking?”

    “Not so long. I have other friends too you know. People find me attractive.” The man says smiling, his teeth exposed.

    “Okay…” Frank mutters, looking at me skeptically. That odd feeling was coming back…

    Then the man turns his eyes back to me, his blue eyes piercing through, “You need a hand there?” He reaches after my hand, but is stopped by a hysterical Mikey; “Don’t touch him! He's got cancer!” Mikey was obviously protecting me from the stranger.

    The man give Mikey a puzzled look, then decide to grab my hand after all and pull me up. “I'm not shitting with you!” Mikey continues, his face turning red.

    “Hey, hey!” the man says, taking his hands away from me like he was pointed at with a gun. “I lost a friend to cancer too you know. My best friend ever.”

    “Is that why you’re…looking for new best friends?” Mikey ask through gritted teeth.

    The man nods. I then decide to ask if he knows the direction that leads us towards Barafundle Bay. I give it a shot. “Do you happen to know which direction that heads to Barafundle Bay?” I ask as all eyes are on me.

    “Hell yeah.” The man answer, “I could walk to Barafundle Bay with a blindfold and my hands tied to my back! I’ve been there like a hundred times.”

    The answer stays in the air for a little while before he continues, “I could show you the way you know, follow you along.”

    “I don’t think so.” Mikey speak before any of us has the time to react.

    “Hey I just want to help you….It’s great to be needed, isn’t it? And without a map you won’t get far.”

    Mikey shuts up and it looks like he’s thinking. It was something to consider. I knew we wouldn’t get far, so this man could be exactly what we needed. He did seem odd…almost crazy some might say… But we needed him and we all knew it.

    “You can come with us.” I say, now more confident.

    “The name’s Gray.” Another toothy smile.

    I smile back.


    Odd chapter, right? Haha I've always wanted to make an old, crazy man to appear in one of my stories.
  7. Chemical 30

    Chemical 30 Just 'That' Girl

    Huh not sure if I completely trust Grey...
    I really hope Gerard doesn't die sooner :(
    Anywho great chapter
  8. XOLauzzCHEM

    XOLauzzCHEM Member

    Me either, I've got a bad feeling about him.
    I'm starting to get scared for Gerard.

    Great update.
  9. okay... freaky Mr. Gray. He sounds wacko.
    I loved the opening to that chapter.
    Short comment sorry.
    Cant wait for the next chapter!
    -Bec x
  10. I must admit I read the diary entry in the beginning while being high. My brain almost crashed by the over thinking it started. But it was absolutely beautiful. I am slightly worried that they've been on the road for only a week and Gerard's health is already getting so bad. I love how he wants to help Frank, but he can't really be there for him because he may go any time soon. I bet Frank and all of the guys are going to get a life-changing influence from him though.

    It is so sad to see how Gerard is ignoring Mikey's misery because he needs to teach Mikey how to live without him. They have been together for their whole life and I bet they've always been more than best friends and now it's about to end.

    Bob getting so mad at a map was quite hilarious. It must be hard to live with anger problems, but really - a map? Mikey getting pissed at him was even better. He's always portraited as this calm laid-back guy, you know. It's fun to read that he actually has some feeling.

    I also liked how Frank was the one who got Gerard his medicine. " His eyes are huge and he looks frightened, breathing heavily. “You…okay?” " I totally imagnied how it would look and I found it adorable.

    Mr. Gray or whatever the heck that guy was.. Well, I don't even know. He reminded me of that ape from Lion King for some reason. It could be that I just finished watching the movie before reading the update as well, yeah. But he seemed kind of wise to me - creepy, for sure - but wise. " “I’m looking for some new best friends.” The man states. " What the hell? I'm not sure if I think he's a psycho mass-murderer or just a bizarre lunatic. I bet he has some other intentions than to help the guys though.

    About the movie it's based on. I planned watching it some day soonish, but I changed my mind. I think it'd ruin my view on the story and it's better and funnier to watch it after this story finds it's ending.

    Again, like always, I just love your writing. And I like how both our new stories are moving on with the same pace. Haha. I have to say that your story also inspires me to write more.

    I hope to read some more soon,
  11. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Thank you :)

    BUT I might change the chapter....I feel it turned out wrong and something shouldn't be in it. Dunno what I was thinking writing that. But I'll let you know when I change it.
  12. Haha. Yeah, the most important part is that you yourself like what you're writing.
  13. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Ahh I didn't see your comment! I love reading your comments how you see the story and what you think about it. It's interesting when someone actually talk about your story like that, makes it more real you know? :) So thank you! And yeah, haha, our stories are moving on the same pace xD
    By the way, you were not the only one being high...xD

    But yeah, IF I'm changing the chapter I'll let you know. I might find another way than change it.
  14. I'm happy you like 'em. I feel like it's important to give good stories more feedback than just "I liked it. KThanksBye."

    Hahaha. I just died.
  15. Freiheit483

    Freiheit483 Member

    Oh My god Gee :'(
    I have a bad feeling about that dude, he sounds like a tool...
    I loved the update, and you writing is amazing, I knwo I say that alot but its true, can't wait for the next update x
  16. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Chapter 4 – Classically in love​

    Dear diary. Good news today; I’ve been doing a little better walking. I feel like I’m on my last powers and it’s turning into a good feeling because I feel much stronger now. I realize I’m changing into this better, stronger man during this trip. I’m turning into the man I’ve always wanted to be, but never made it until now.

    I’m also incredible glad that I’ve learned to know Frank. He makes me feel happy just having him around. And when he talks to me it’s like he’s the only that exists in the world. I know it’s incredible cheesy, but hey, life is filled with cliché’s and why stop now.


    It’s something about the colors in the air when you’re watching the sunset…The feeling of completely numbness and the smile that spreads across your face as you realize it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. It’s something about the word “alone,” that disappears from your vocal bury in that exact moment and you feel less alone than ever.

    The view is beautiful. Frank and I are sitting on this huge rock of a clip enjoying the sunset together while everyone else is still asleep. We sneaked out of our tent half an hour ago, making sure no one woke up so that we could share a moment together. Frank is turning special to me…it’s something about him that makes me want to touch his hair…stroke his face and tell him he’s got the world ahead. Yet there’s something inside me that wants to scream at him, to tell him to stop being a coward and quit his job. He should lead the life he wants to, not what he should do. I never followed my dreams. And then one day it was too late. Now I’m dying and I never got the time to live a full life. But Frank has the opportunity to do it and I so badly want him to live the life I never lived… He shouldn’t waste away his life until he one day fades away having no memories of a happy past.

    “It’s beautiful.” Frank smiles. He’s sitting with his knees to his chin. “I’ve never watched the sunset before. At this hour I’m always getting ready to leave for work…” The last words sound rather poor and he sighs. He then turns his eyes to me and caught me staring at him, and say; “you have beautiful eyes…it’s like the universe is looking right at me.”

    I feel speechless. What he said…it was…such a compliment? I mouth a thank you and go back to watching the sunset. I can still feel Frank staring at me but I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all.

    “Hey, Gerard…I want to ask you something.” He sound slightly nervous and hesitate, waiting for me to approve. I nod to let him keep talking. “That diary of yours…what do you write in it?”

    That was a personal question and I imagine it would be odd to talk about it. But this was Frank asking and not some stranger. I then start to talk. I tell him all about how I started writing when I got diagnosed with cancer. How it soon turned out to be a personal journey about my life and how I still kept writing on this trip. This diary held my whole heart open and I’d write like my life depended on it.

    Frank nodded each time I stopped talking, paying attention to everything I was saying. He looked generally interested in what I had to say and I felt like he got it. Everything I said seemed to get into his head and he kept his mouth shut the whole time, just listening.

    “So that’s pretty much it.” I finish. “I do kind of wish this diary could…I don’t know…inspire people? If I had the time I’d want to show it to a publisher…maybe sell it in stores so other people can…I don’t know…raise from their problems or something. But fuck, I don’t have the time Frank, I’m dying.” I suppress a cry. I wasn’t going to cry because I didn’t feel like it was the place or the time. Not now.

    Then a few seconds later Frank says something that changed everything; “I will tell your story when you die.” It was only a whisper but I heard him clearly. His mouth did not tell lies and I could see it in his eyes he was determined.

    “I….don’t know what to say.” I’m speechless. I’m utterly…speechless. “Do you…promise?” I hold my breath.

    “I promise.” A tiny smile is plastered on his face, yet his eyes tell different. His eyes are wet, even sad looking. “And….I want you to know that the world seems less terrible because you exist!” He then say, speaking quickly, even slurring through a few words. “I feel like I wanna be with you, because I’ve never met a person like you. I want to take care of you…through the pain, the happiness and…and the fear!”

    “Careful…That sounds like a classic case of falling in love.” I state, feeling my cheeks turning red, while also having trouble dealing with all this information and the feelings I’m receiving.

    “I am in love…” Frank speak slowly, “…I’m classically in love.”

    At that moment I realize those words were the most beautiful words someone had ever spoken to me during the sunset. Those words coming from the lips from the man beside me made me reach for his hand and squeeze. I then couldn’t help it but let tears fall from my eyes. Someone was in love with me…Frank was in love with me and I couldn’t let myself love him back because soon I’d be gone. I couldn’t start a relationship with that someone when I didn’t even knew if I had four months left or a week. That would be wrong. For both parts.

    Yeah it really is something about watching the sunset…The feeling you get when you sit next to a person you care about. The touch of his soft hand fixed into yours. The quiet moment when words aren’t necessary because you feel like that person can read your mind. When the world suddenly seems a bit more beautiful, because of the love you’re receiving from the person next to you.


    I'm on fire! My favourite chapter so far. They're so vulnerable and I wanted to let that show in this chapter. If you think I'm moving on too fast I actually don't. Because there's always days between every chapter even in the story. And besides I feel like this story can't be too long. I don't want to drag it out, but get to the point and write about what I'm supposed to and not have fillers. Thanks for your support and comments!
  17. I've been refreshing a lot today after I heard you wrote a new chapter.. Oh my God! I'm all speechless, which is quite weird.

    Gerard changing into a better person, well.. I should be all happy for him, but I find it sad. He's turning into the person he has always wanted to be when he's about to die...

    YOU MADE THIS STORY SO MUCH MORE DEVASTATING! I never paid that much attention that it was a Frerard. It was somewhere in the back of my mind that they will fall in love and all, but seriously? He's about to die and it's so beautiful and it's all going to end. Why are you doing this to me? (I AM holding back tears, for your information).

    Just on a side note: I like it when Frank asked what Gerard writes in his diary about and you didn't make it a fucking direct speech. Just saying 'cause a lot of writers do that and it's annoying.

    "Then a few seconds later Frank says something that changed everything; “I will tell your story when you die.” It was only a whisper but I heard him clearly. His mouth did not tell lies and I could see it in his eyes he was determined." - This made me so over the edge emotional. It was absolutely beautiful. They connect so well and I'm so happy for Frank that he found someone who inspires him. Lets face it, he's the stereotype workaholic who hates his job and not many of them break out of that circle. I'm sure that Frank will, and even though it's fiction, there's another soul saved.

    " “Careful…That sounds like a classic case of falling in love.” I state.. " That's a beautiful saying! I thought for a moment that this is moving too fast, but the idea was chased away fast. My mind's always set when I read a Frerard that they fall in love and then it's all The End. But this story has still so much to tell and it's so much more beautiful when they actually are in love while Gerard body's breaking down and all that, which will come up eventually.

    I don't really comprehend what I wrote down just now because that was amazing and I'm still quite speechless! And I totally understand why you're on fire right now. I want to say more amazing words about how amazing and beautiful this was, but my mind is wrecked.

    Waiting for more and totally hooked,
  18. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    ^EEEEK you made my day with that comment! Now I can go to bed a happy girl! Well, after I've had one of my magic cigarettes. ;) But anyway, that you take the time to write comments like this means a lot to me. And don't hate me for saying this, but I like how you find this story even more devastating now. I love to bring out people's feelings and I wanted this to have an emotional frame altogether. This is after all a sad, sad story and you're gonna cry your brains out in the ending!!
  19. A really weird thing is that I find this story very sad and positive at the same time. To be honest I'm slightly confused which one it is. It feels like my story is very dark and gloomy and yours is the opposite, which is weird 'cause there's a young guy dying in this one, but it's kind of inspirational, you know? I guess that's what you're going for. It kind of tells you to get off your fucking ass and do something meaningful because life can end any moment! That's also something that My Chemical Romance tell their fans, which makes this even deeper. I just adore this a lot.

    I ramble a lot today.. But this chapter made me think and I feel like I have to get it out.

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