My life without me [Frerard]

Discussion in 'Completed Fan Fictions' started by Kriss, Apr 7, 2012.

  1. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    This story is inspired by the movie "Third star."

    Listen to Some die young
    which suits as a theme song to the story

    Rating: 15
    Main Characters: Gerard
    Summary: Gerard and his three closest lifelong friends go on an ill-advised trip to coastal area of Barafundle Bay.
    Genre: Tragedy, drama, romance
    Chapter Index:

    Introduction 1 - page 1
    Chapter 1 - page 1
    Chapter 2 - page 2
    Chapter 3 - page 3
    Chapter 4 - page 4
    Chapter 5 - page 5
    Chapter 6 - page 6
    Chapter 7 - page 8
    Chapter 8 - page 9
    Chapter 9 - page 9

    Chapter 10 - page 10

  2. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock


    “So I raise a morphine toast to you. And, should you remember that it's the anniversary of my birth, remember that you were loved by me and you made my life a happy one. And there's no tragedy in that.”

    This is me…eyes closed, out in the rain. I’ve never been one of those people who like looking up at the moon, who spends hours gazing at the waves or the sunset... I have never lost my shoes playing poker, and I have never had a bandit hold a gun to my head or been to California. Neither have I been arrested or started a fight on the street.

    I feel the water seep through my shirt and onto my skin, while it feels like the ground is growing soft beneath my feet. And then it’s the smell of trees and the sound of the rain hitting the leaves. It’s like all the scenes from the books my friends talked about, that I didn’t read.

    I take a small sip of the morphine I always carry in my pocket. It stings so bad in my chest it feels like I’m burning on the inside. I’m not an addict, if that’s what you think. You see… three months ago I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I’m twenty nine years old and I’m not going to live until I’m thirty. The morphine is what’s keeping me together. Without it I would be in a puddle of blood on the floor, and still in pain. The last three months have been hell and I need to distance myself from my illness, which is why my brother and my friends are taking me to my favorite place on earth, Barafundle Bay. It will be our last trip together and I’m going to remember it for as long as I can.

    So this is me, raising myself a morphine toast as I pray that my loved ones, in their life without me, will have moments of happiness so intense, that all of their problems will seem insignificant by comparison. I don’t regret the life I’m not going to have, because by then I’ll be dead. Now all I can do is make these last month’s the best possible.

    This is me. Who would have thought it? Me.


    Let me know if you want me to keep posting!
  3. I really fancy where this is going & I would love it if you kept posting.

    I haven't seen the movie but I have a certain feeling I will watch it some time soon. I really enjoyed the quote in the beginning. I guess it's from the movie?

    'And then it’s the smell of trees and the sound of the rain hitting the leaves.' I find it amiable how you describe everything. The locution you use is just beautiful.

    It's sad how the main character, I guess Gerard, doesn't have that long to live but it makes a really good storyline.

    I'm looking forward your next post and count me in as a new reader,
  4. Dust Angel

    Dust Angel Unloveable. Staff Member

    I usually keep away from cancer!fics, but the way you've described him, and the imagery you've used, has really made me love this already. I'd like to see more really soon ;)
  5. Chemical 30

    Chemical 30 Just 'That' Girl

    Definitely keep posting!
    This sounds like a really interesting concept and I think I'm going to greatly enjoy it
  6. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Thank you all three of you, glad to have you as readers! I'm posting the next chapter within the day :)
  7. Just checked out the song & wanted to say that I already feel this good atmosphere when I open this story regardless to only one update. Which is a good sight & I rather impatiently wait for the first chapter. Of course, please take your time though, I don't want to rush you.
  8. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    I'm sooo sorry I haven't updated, but it's coming! I've been really busy and I'm at work now, but I'll finish the chapter and update within the weekend!
  9. xFallenAngelx

    xFallenAngelx Member

    New reader. I too normally stay away from cancer fics cause I always cry at the end but I quite like this :) More soon?
  10. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Chapter 1 – Alive and free

    Dear diary. I’m writing to you, while watching the sun raise behind my curtains. The sky is still orange and it makes me wonder what it will be like to watch the sunset in in the stunning coastal area of Barafundle Bay. I know I will enjoy being away from civilization, only with my own thoughts and my lifelong friends.

    I should also mention someone else is coming with us…Ray’s cousin, Frank. I have never met him, but Ray says he’s going through some tough shit and the trip will do him good. I’m not gonna tell him no, because in a way everyone on this trip has their own issues they need to distance themselves from. Frank is welcome to join us. I think this trip might heal some broken bones, and if my friends are going home feeling better about themselves, then this trip has been even more helpful than we’d hope for.

    Goodbye civilization and America… the Vest Wales are within reach.


    As the car drive away from my apartment I’m practically glued to the window. I follow the familiar building with my eyes until it’s out of view and only a picture to my head. The big, old grey building had never been a sight to the eye, but at this point I was already missing it. It has been my home for a decade and it feels weird drifting away from it knowing I will never see it again. I close my eyes and remember the nights when my brother and his little girls would stay over and have sleepovers. They covered the small living room with sheets and mattresses and build themselves little nests to sleep in, making it look like a small cottage. And then it was all the birthdays and parties… My apartment is filled with so many memories it’s hard to leave it to someone else. But I’m not coming back, and I have to accept the fact that I will never walk inside this apartment anymore, with or without my family and friends.

    I’m seated in the back of the truck with my brother Mikey and Frank. I’ve only just met Frank and we shook hands only moments ago. He’s a small guy with tattoos on his arms and neck, something that’s telling me he’s not afraid to express himself. His voice is a bit darker than I’d expect from his thin body, but somehow it suits him. His hair is short and dark, with a tint of brown. I let my eyes scan the clothes he’s wearing and find myself slightly drawn to the contrasts between us. While he is wearing a stylish, red t-shirt and a suiting hoodie I’m wearing worn jeans and a dark sweater. We’re after all going to walk through woods and bays for weeks, so clothes should be a matter of common sense.

    And then we have my brother Mikey. Not only do we share blood, but also the same interests. The only difference between us is our appearance. While my brother has a bit longer, but perfectly shaped cheekbones, light brown hair and dark eyes, my face is much more round and I have a bit more cheeks, raven-brown hair and brighter eyes. Mikey is also higher than me and wears glasses, while I’ve never had a problem with my sight. I can feel myself smiling as I think of Mikey’s first glasses, they were almost egg-shaped and –

    – “Gerard!” The sound of Ray’s voice almost makes me jump the seat. I was so lost in thoughts I hadn’t even noticed Ray holding the camera to my face. He’s laughing and soon the rest of the guys join in. Ray zooms into my face as he asks, “What were you smiling about? You looked….pleased?” He grins from ear to ear; looking rather pleased himself that he’d caught a moment like this on film.

    “I was just thinking about Bob’s skinny ass.” I join. Ray laughs and pats Bob on the shoulder who is busy driving. Bob is a big guy and the muscle of us, who doesn’t take shit from anyone. He ones beat up a guy for calling his girlfriend ‘a sight for sore eyes’. He shows me the finger and I shook my head, smiling. Yeah, this was Bob all over.

    “I knew it had to either Bob’s ass or Oprah winfrey’s big hands,” Mikey winks. It was a practical joke between us that never failed to plaster a smile on either one of us.

    The rest of the drive goes by in a hurry. After filming the landslide through opened windows and documenting every laugh, we’re closing in to soon leave the car. I felt better than ever when we drove past the last houses and only nature surrendered us. I felt free for the first time in my life, and I can honestly say I’ve never experienced a better feeling. The guys are smiling….I am smiling…I think we’re going to make it to Barafundle Bay. I think we’re going to make it.

    I’m not going to carry anything, not even my backpack. We can’t take the risk of me carrying something and lose all my strength. Walking is more than enough for me. I feel slightly guilty when I watch Bob carry his own bag on his back, and then my bag on his stomach at the same time. This is an ill-advised trip and we all knew this was how it had to be done. We are well aware of the fact that I need regularly breaks and a lot of help. But despite this, I’m feeling….I’m actually feeling like I’ve never been so alive my entire life.


    And that's the start of this trip :) Tell me what you think and I will soon update. I have the whole story finished in my mind and you should not miss it :)
  11. Chemical 30

    Chemical 30 Just 'That' Girl

    I'm going to like this ;)
    I'd feel somewhat bad too if I was in Gerards position but I'm glad he's happy haha
    Great chapter can't wait for more
  12. I really like the depth of this story. It's sad to read what Gerard is going through but it's so very lovely how they are all doing this together.

    The way Gerard though about leaving his home.. I started thinking what I'd feel if I had to leave everything behind for good. It's devastating.

    I also like how you brought out they all have their own issues to deal with during the trip & I'm on the edge of my seat to see what skeletons they have in their closets and how they're going to fight them.

    Very nice chapter & I'm waiting for more!
  13. Dust Angel

    Dust Angel Unloveable. Staff Member

    I can already tell this is going to be a sad one. If he doesn't die during it, we all know that it's to be implied for his future, I guess. All the same, I'm really excited to follow along and hear more about their trip. I'm not sure if you've kept Frank quiet so far as a sort of intentional attention-grabber, or if this chapter was just not intended to give away more than Gerard's thoughts alone, but either way it's made me awfully curious. I'm excited to learn about Frank, and see how he and Gerard act toward one another.

  14. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Thank you guys I love reading your comments and you're so sweet :)

    I'm actually really psyched about this story myself, because this time I'm not writing about dark psychological problems like I use to, but about an unfortunate twenty-nine year old man who has cancer and tries to make the best out of whatever time he has left. It also follows his friends who deal with their own issues. This story is all about following your dreams before it's too late. Don't put your dreams on hold, because one day it's gonna be too late. Live life how you want it to be, don't just say "one day..."

    Well that's kind of my message to this story. There will be sad moments in it, believe me, haha. But what happens will inspire someone in this story and change his life. That's all I'm saying :)
  15. Freiheit483

    Freiheit483 Member

    I am completly hooked, You have yourelf another reader.
    Your writing is amaizing, cancer fics make me cry, and I was nearly in tears at all the coments saying he wasn't going to walk back in the apartment alive, Damn you are talented!
    I love this already and it has two chapters, keep up the amazing work.
    Update whenever you feel like it :) XXO
  16. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    ^Thank you so much! :) Happy to have you as a reader!

    Posting next chapter tomorrow!
  17. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Chapter 2 – The five of us

    Dear diary. I can’t wait to sleep in a small, dirty tent tonight in the middle of nowhere. I can’t wait to breathe the night air…I can’t wait to look at the stars and I can’t wait to smoke weed around the fire. I can’t wait to laugh…I can’t wait to eat marshmallows and I can’t wait to talk about everything and nothing around the fire. These moments…they’re keeping me together like glue. My life at this point is all about making new memories before it’s too late. Soon this will be my life without me and I need to hold it together.

    At this point the pain is mostly in my feet. They’re weaker than I expected and the breaks slow us down…It’s regularly now, the pain. Sometimes it feels like there’s bugs inside my skin…trying to get out…trying to destroy me. But here I am. Still alive…still breathing…still walking.


    I’m sitting down…looking at the fire…feeling every spark of the heat and find myself relaxing. I look at Bob on the other side of me and the next think I know a joint is placed between my fingers. About six puffs later the trees are dancing in front of my eyes and seducing me with their sweet, low melodies. Through blurry eyes I can see the boys talking and laughing but I can’t hear a thing. There’s this sound in my ears…like the sound of the ocean when it’s raining. And then it’s the sound of water dripping from the leaves and the sparks from the bonfire. I find myself consentrating to hear what the boys are saying and focus on their faces, watching their mimics as they speak.

    “I have never been to London.” Ray announces slowly. His eyes are partly closed and a smile is plastered on his face. He takes a long puff from a joint and passes it to Mikey.

    Mikey grabs the joint and puffs it rather quickly. “I've never sailed 'round the- really?” Mikey’s eyes goes huge, “you’ve never been to London?”

    Ray shakes his head.

    “What about Bob’s eighteenth?” Mikey continues.

    “That was London?” Ray sounds amused.

    My smile turns into laughter and soon all of us are. I do however turn my eyes at Frank, who looked slightly uncomfortable. His laugh sounded slightly pushed and his smile a tad forced. I could only imagine it was because he only just met us earlier today and only really knew Ray, and knew nothing about our story and the friendship between us.

    I keep my eyes at Frank as I slowly say, “I have never lost my shoes playing poker, and I’ve never had a bandit hold a gun to my head...”

    Frank’s green orbs find mine and in a split second our eyes make contact. He then lowers his eyes back to the fire as he surprisingly replies. “I have never been to a party after five pm…I have never been to a road trip and I have never liked my job.”

    “You’ve never liked your job?” Bob asks Frank, his voice slightly pitched as he blows out the grey, strong smoke.

    Frank sights before he pulls his shoulders. “I don’t know…I spend all my days working at an office when all I want to do is beat the hell out of my boss just being who he is!” He takes a long breath before he continues, “and then there’s the shitty coffee and the depressing walls. Being in a cubicle every day makes me want to fucking hang myself. But you know what the sad part is?”

    All eyes are on Frank now. “I don’t have the fucking guts to quit! I’m a fucking coward and I know it. Fuck. If I quit my job I’ll turn broke and end up on the street. I just…want to do something that means something. Something that has a meaning…”

    “Yeah, don’t us all.” Bob says, sounding ironically.

    “Shut up Bob,” Ray defends his cousin. “You’re a doctor. You save lives; you have the most meaningful job of all of us. You’re not in a fucking cubicle like Frank.”

    “Oh yeah?” Bob turns annoyed. I feel slightly nervous as he rise to his feet. He takes another drag from a new joint. “Since you seem to know everything about my job you should know what happens in my personal life too. But hey, I’m guessing you don’t.”

    “Please, do tell.” Ray says, still a bit annoyed.
    Bob sighs and closes his eyes for a second. He then sits back down and finally says; “It’s Linda…” Bob’s girlfriend. “...she’s pregnant.”

    “But that’s good news?” I wonder.

    Bob laughs bitterly. “Yeah, if she didn’t cheat on me and actually knew whether or not I’m the father. If she didn’t move out to that scum…” He tightens his fits.

    “Shit.” Ray shakes his head. “If it makes you feel any better…my ex-wife is dragging me to court. She wants custody of our son and I don’t even afford a lawyer.”

    “That’s fucked up.” Mikey shakes his head.

    Then it turns quiet around the fire. Ray is rubbing his eyes and Bob is staring into the black, empty air. Then Mikey lays his arm around me and nudge me slightly. I smile.

    “This is the first vacation I’ve had in years.” Frank says. “And you know what? I think I’ve fucking deserved it.”

    We rise our glass and toast to this. I give Frank a smile but he doesn’t see it.

    Another hour passes by and slowly everyone find their ways to the tents except me. I’m still a bit groggy from the weed and decided to stay behind until the bonfire fades out. As the fire slowly burns out I feel myself fading away as it dies in front of my eyes. The heat disappears and I feel goose bumps all over my body. I decide I should go and get sleep before the sun rise and crawl inside one of the two tents.

    As I stumble my way inside the dark tent a flashlight is suddenly turned on and blinds my eyes. I moan in pain and rub my eyes with my fingers quickly. “Sorry.” It’s Frank. I recognize that dark voice. When my eyes finally can see again Frank’s face is the first and only thing I see. I soon realize Frank and I are the only one in this tent. “I’m okay… my sight is back.” My voice sounded tired, almost faded as I speak. I hadn’t realized how tired I was until now and lie down. I’m utterly exhausted and yet still dizzy from the weed I smoked hours ago. I moan and bury my face into my sleeping bag.

    “You okay?” Frank asks.

    I think for a few seconds before I decide to be honest. “No.”

    It’s quiet for a few second before Frank says, “Ray told me about your condition. I’m really sorry.”

    I pull the sleeping bag away from my face and look at those green orbs next to me. That soft face looked generally concerned. This time he doesn’t look away.“The guys don’t know this but…I’m scared. I’m really, really scared.” My voice is barely a whisper now and it hurts in my throat for every word I speak. “I don’t want to die. I’m twenty nine years old...I’m not ready.” I almost whimper now. I had never admitted this anyone…I’d kept my poker face on, and now the fence I’d build was falling apart…

    “I’m really, really sorry.” Frank is whispering too now.

    “It’s not your fold. I’m just really, really unfortunate…” I mumble, almost stumbling on the words as I yawn. “Why am I always the one getting it rather than giving it…” the last word fades out as a statement.

    “Get some sleep Gerard.” Frank whispers and surprisingly pulls my sleeping bag to my cheeks and tucks me in. Before I realize this surprisingly gesture I’m already asleep. I’m fading into a world where cancer doesn’t exist and I have my whole life ahead. I’m happy. I’m dreaming.

    I’m dreaming.


    I'm really sorry I haven't updated for like a week. Just been really busy with work and all that. I hope you're still reading this and haven't forgot about this story. I will do everything I can to update more often. This chapter had a lot of talking in it but I found it nessecarely to get to know the characters a bit better. Tell me what you think :)
  18. Chemical 30

    Chemical 30 Just 'That' Girl

    Awww poor Gerard :'(
    Everyone has their problems don't they? I guess that's the whole point of the trip huh? haha
    Well great chapter, I can't wait for more
  19. Freiheit483

    Freiheit483 Member

    Awwww Gerard, I was again nealry crying about when Gerard opened up to Frank..
    I loved the chapter, It was amazing :')
    Update whenever you feel like it? XXO
  20. Kriss

    Kriss Mrs. Sherlock

    Thank you! :)

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