Killjoy, Ratilin Diamond My story after the disaster.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by katie14, Oct 17, 2012.

  1. katie14

    katie14 New Member

    Title: Killjoy, Ratilin Diamond My story after the disaster.
    -Rating: PG
    *Main Characters: Party pioson, fun ghoul, Jet star, Kobra Kid, Ratilin Diamond, Skate Diamond.
    *Summary: Ratilin Diamond goes on an adventure with the other killjoys and after Skate get's kidnapped by BL/ind party dicides to take things into his own hands.
    *Genre: Adventure, drama
    *Chapter Index: chapter one page 1
    chapter 2 page 2.
  2. TheLivingDead

    TheLivingDead Member

    You're missing some things. You need a rating for your story and the most important genres of the story. Also, you may want to edit and not have the first chapter in the first post. If you post a lot of chapters, then you won't have enough room in the index. You should check out the fanfiction guidelines, they'd help!
  3. kadoodle

    kadoodle crazy cat lady Staff Member

    Please follow the following format for posting your MCR General fan fiction:
    *Title: Place the title of your fiction first.
    *Rating: U/PG/12/15/18+ (See ratings guide below)
    *Main Characters: Band Member/OFC
    *Summary: A brief sketch of what your story is about.
    *Genre: Add the most important genre(s) of your story.
    *Chapter Index:
    Chapter One-Page One
    Chapter Two-Page One
    Chapter Three-Page Two
    *Story Text
    Make your first post of the story solely for the information as stated above. Doing this leaves enough room (in other words character space) to do a full chapter index. This is not mandatory but helpful to make sure you don’t run out of space for the index.
    Stories without this format will be warned once to conform to it. If the story is not fixed within 24 hours, it will be locked
  4. katie14

    katie14 New Member

    Chapter 1.
    written by Katie Mendoza.

    Killjoy Ratilin Diamond my life after the disaster.

    Hey, it’s me Ratilin Diamond I’m a killjoy and today I’m gonna tell you my story about what happened after the disaster hit and I’m gonna tell you about my adventures with other killjoys and of course my little sis Skate Diamond,
    Prepare to hear the story of my life. Well here goes nothing.

    Ratilin diamond.
    “Damn it’s hot:” I said.
    “I know RD but we have to keep going maybe we’ll find shelter somewhere” Said Skate Diamond.
    “I should be the one telling you this stuff, not you telling me”. I said.
    “ we need to rest, Skate won’t last much longer” I thought to myself.
    Me and Skate walked on for about an hour or so when I found myself face first in the dirt. I had collapsed I was so weak, I felt something land beside me it was Skate she was kneeling beside me pleading for me to get up. But I couldn’t really hear her, memories started to flash before my eyes, Me, my mom and Skate having a party for Alex my dead brother.
    But then I felt my body leave the ground I opened my eyes but all I saw was bright red.
    “ What the heck” I thought “who dyes their hair Bright red?”.
    I felt my skin touch something cool and leathery, I was in a car, I saw Skate get in beside me and a boy with Bright red hair get into the drivers seat.
    Skate was crying saying things like “ please don’t die RD please”. “ if you die I’ll be all alone, with no one to take care of me”.
    The boy with the red hair started driving and then started talking to me that’s what I assumed but I couldn’t hear him My vision started getting blurry, and I started to faint.
  5. kadoodle

    kadoodle crazy cat lady Staff Member

    You need to choose a rating from the following: U/PG/12/15/18+

    You also need to fix your chapter index to reflect what you've written.
  6. katie14

    katie14 New Member

    I'm just gonna die. i suck at writing i knew this was a bad idea just lock it plz get it over with I'm freakin hopeless.
  7. MarieArt

    MarieArt Champion of Losers

    I didn't get it right at first either, sweetheart. It's fine. I had 2 stories locked when I joined. If you have any questions just ask one of us, starshine.
  8. kadoodle

    kadoodle crazy cat lady Staff Member

    I had a few locked too :)

    Sorry if I was blunt, your writing is great and I'd hate to see it locked on you.
  9. katie14

    katie14 New Member

    did i fix it right i already wrote chapter 2.
  10. MrBoggins

    MrBoggins Jesus take the PRNDL!

    The chapter index is still wrong. You update it as you go along. Like, right now yours should look like:

    Chapter 1 - Page 1

    And then when you add chapter two, you go back to the first post, edit it and add:

    Chapter 2 - Page whatever it's on.

    You'll get the hang of it eventually. I've had stuff locked on me too, no worries. Like they said before, if you have any questions, just ask one of us purple people. We're glad to help. It's what we're here for. And it wouldn't hurt to add more content to your chapters, give your readers something to fall into it. With short posts, people tend to breeze over them and not really retain anything. Maybe work on descriptions a little more. :]
  11. katie14

    katie14 New Member

    i fixed it heres chapter 2.

    Ratilin Diamond.

    When I woke up I was on a bed just lying there, nobody was in the room with me. I got up cautiously, but then I heard someone coming I jumped back in the bed and hid under the sheets.
    “RD… RD, Get up it’s me Skate… Skate diamond”.
    I looked over and sure as hell it was Skate, I was so happy to see her alive. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. But then I saw the Red haired boy, and jumped up so fast I knocked my sister off the bed, grabbed the nearest thing that I could throw which was a pillow, and threw that stupid pillow as hard as I could, it hit him but all he did was look at me like I was crazy.
    “umm was that supposed to hurt?”. He questioned raising an eyebrow.
    “yeah it was” I said stupidly.
    I was about to throw something else but Skate grabbed my arm and said.
    “ No RD he’s a friend”
    “ how do you know?”. I asked
    “ he told me, look His name is Party Poison, His brother is Kobra kid, and his buddy’s are Fun ghoul and jet star. And he’s running from the same bad guys we are, remember The ones who had the scary masks on? The one’s who tried to kill us?” She reminded me.
    “ Oh yeah, But just ‘cause he says he is doesn’t mean he really is.” I said.
    “well you kinda have no choice, besides I saved you from burning to ashes Remember?” Party Poison said.
    I looked at him full in the face and was about to say something stupid, but stopped what was I about to say? I have to admit he’s cute, hazel eyes framed with long lashes, Bright red hair, slight build, And a real handsome face.
    The longer I looked into his eyes the more I melted.
    “Gosh he is soooo Hot!”. I thought
    “no no no, No You will not think of him that way He might be the enemy.” I told my conscience.
    “ are you alright?” Party asked with a look of concern.
    “ umm I’m fine” I blushed.
    “ you don’t have to trust me, I just want you guys to be safe” He then started to blush too.
    I sighed, “ that’s okay, I guess I have no choice right?” I looked at him.
    “not really But if I was the enemy I would have already killed you” he said.
    “Oh well thanks for not killing us”.
    “ your welcome. Well this is the only place that has a working toilet and shower so you know you girls can use it and you know get cleaned up, we need to get moving in a few days the Better living industries hasn’t traced us yet” He started out the door but stopped and said “ when you girls are done you can come out if you want and meet the rest of the guys”. He closed the door and was gone.
    There was silence for a moment before Skate diamond went and said
    “ woohoo, you like him don’t you.”
    “ No” I said and looked at Skate. She was cackling on the bed. “oh shut up Skate I just met him”
    She was still laughing her butt of. “ ugh I’m going to take a shower you little punk”. And then I got up and walked to the bathroom. It had towels and tiny bottles of shampoo and conditioner.
    “ Man I thought men didn’t use this stuff”. I thought.
    I hope everything goes back to normal in a bit, I thought . It will I reassured myself.
    I was so wrong my journey was just beginning.
  12. katie14

    katie14 New Member

    I know it's boring but it gets better.
  13. kadoodle

    kadoodle crazy cat lady Staff Member

    It's not boring, but your proof-reading needs to be much more thorough. Sentences start with capital letters and end with full stops. Names have capital letters. Use a space between paragraphs rather than just having one big block of text or dialogue.

    Don't say it's boring either :) Keep trying and you'll keep improving and keep getting new readers.

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