Discussion post your boy/girl problems here!!

Discussion in 'General Off Topic' started by MCRaddiction, Nov 14, 2006.

  1. Flock of Margot

    Flock of Margot New Member

    ^^I think if your fiance is close enough to those two women to ask them to be godmothers to his child, then I think it's safe to say that they will show up in the child's life regardless of their title. And your son will ask about their relationship either way.
    It's up to you, but I would think of it as a great opportunity to teach your son to be tolerant.

    EDIT:
    Well said, Thumbelina
     
  2. kadoodle

    kadoodle crazy cat lady Staff Member

    I have two Godfathers. I didn't catch the gay.
     
  3. mollyxmadness

    mollyxmadness Active Member

    Maybe the pregnancy hormones are causing you to be a bit irrational. I understand your frustration at having him not have told you. Maybe you're taking it out on the lesbian couple? You might be saying that you want "normalcy" while raising your child, but that might just be a scapegoat for you not being able to choose who you want for godparents, which is a valid concern as you're the one giving birth, and you should definitely be able to give input. I'm sure if you had close friends who happened to be a lesbian couple, you wouldn't think twice about asking them and wouldn't mind that it's not "normal."

    My advice? Compromise. Since it's name-only, and you aren't very religious, maybe you can have two godmothers and a godfather of your choosing. I don't know how these things work, as I'm not catholic and have never had a child or a reason to research it. Talk to your fiance and explain to him why you were upset, but don't say that the reason behind your frustration is the orientation of the godparents, because I'm willing to bet that deep-down, it's not the real reason you're upset. I hope I helped.
     
  4. xokay_nowx

    xokay_nowx Become, become, become

    She's asking whether she's right to be angry he didn't discuss the decision with her first, not whether she's right to object to his friends being godmothers because they're two women in a relationship.
    And yes, imo that's definitely a decision both parents should make as a team and it's reasonable to be upset he didn't talk to you about it.
     
  5. Thumbelina

    Thumbelina Administrator Staff Member

    ^Firstly, she said "I wouldn't know what to say if my son grows up and then asks me why he has two godmothers?"; the question mark indicates a desire for answers and/or suggestions and/or opinions. She also said "And the fact that my fiancé..."; the "AND" implies she's already stated an issue/problem and is adding another. This at the very least implies that the same-sexness of the prospective godmothers is a problem.

    Secondly, if it was ONLY the fact he didn't discuss it with her that was the issue, she needn't have mentioned the fact that they're lesbians, nor that she's so "cool" with it, nor indeed ANYTHING OTHER than "hey, my fiancé asked people to be godmothers even though he hadn't discussed it with me. I'm upset, is this reasonable?".

    Thirdly, yes, he probably should've run it by her so they could have a discussion about it.
    Maybe he thought he could choose a couple and you could choose a couple? Had you discussed the number of godparents you wanted?
     
  6. This is actually a really good point. Did you ever discuss the number of god parents? I don't have any god parents, but both my parents do. They said that in this day and age god parents aren't generally needed.

    I'd really talk to him, just ask if there was a reason why he didn't talk to you before hand. Ask I you can ask someone to be godmother/father as well as the two ladies he's already asked.

    As for the 'if your son asks why he has two god mums comment, why wouldn't he? They love each other and that's all that matters. He'll grow up being spoiled by two women who will love him for who he is, as will he grow up loving them for who they are.

    Here's a quote to think about it:

    My Dad's one of 5, the youngest, being the most impressionable. He has one sister, the middle child, an his oldest brother is gay to the bone. Seeing as my dad is married to my mum, has been for 25years and has two children, nobody MAKES you gay. Experiences dont make you gay, you either are or aren't. And seeing as he's either just born or not here yet by the time you read this, you have a LONG time before you need to worry about his orientation. You'll love your son for who he is in any instance.

    Hope that helped!
     
  7. mollyxmadness

    mollyxmadness Active Member

    Also, if he does grow up with two loving Godmothers, he will definitely be less likely to grow up to be homophobic. Most people who are homophobic are only so because they don't understand homosexual relationships and have never been accustomed to seeing them. If you think about it, this could actually be a good thing!
     
  8. _Blackheart_

    _Blackheart_ Guest

    To clarify, me and my fiance are godparents to their son so im guessing that my fiance asked them back to be fair i suppose, or be polite..Either one!

    Its not that i have a problem with lesbian relationships, i just cant think of an explanation for when he's older when he asks me why he has two godmums, i suppose ill just have to think of one for when he gets older i guess.

    I myself have 1 set of godparents but i haven't seen them since i was like 11 due to me moving away from where i used to live..So much complexity!
     
  9. Dust Angel

    Dust Angel Unloveable. Staff Member

    I have two sets of godparents. Both happen to be heterosexual couples because my parents are about as homophobic as they come, but I still turned out to be gay, myself. So really, like Amy said, experiences have little-to-nothing to do with how your child will turn out. In this day and age, so many people are fighting for "gay" to be "normal", because it f**king is for so many families, relationships, etc.

    Molly also brought an excellent point to the forum: Your son will have the opportunity to see first hand that being gay does not necessarily make you a bad role model, person, parent, etc. I'm sure your fiance picked the two for a multitude of reasons beside the fact that they happen to be lesbians, you know? Because for a lot of people, orientation doesn't matter, and they simply see people for who they are personality and dependability-wise rather than sexual preference-wise.

    But yes, to the ultimate point, you have every right to be agitated that he failed to include you in the decision-making process. You have every bit a right to a choice like that as he does, just make sure that if you really put your foot down on the couple he's picked for your son, it isn't for any of the wrong reasons it seems to be currently.
     
  10. You don't need to pick out an explanation for when he asks when he's older. Why does anyone's parents pick their godparents? Because you and your fiancé trust these people enough that if anything were to happen to you two, your son would be in loving hands.

    Also, if you're the godparents of their son, he may have felt pressured to do it. And this way, it makes the two a little closer. Maybe he was thinking their son could become a brother of types to your own.

    I have no problem with same sex couples, my view is that they have every right to be seen in public together. I do feel uncomfortable when they kiss though. But I feel uncomfortable when a man and woman kiss is public. But yeah, good point to put across was that he'll grow up with a different experience to other kids and he'll be a lot more accepting of people, not only gay people but people who are different to him. Such as skin colour, religious views etc. This may turn out really well for him. But I'd ask your fiancé if it's okay to ask someone you'd like to play godmother/father as well if that's what you wish.

    I don't think he thought it would bother you. I think he's thought that since you two are the godparents of their son, that you would automatically pick them for your own.
     
  11. bachillerata

    bachillerata Active Member

    I just don’t know what to do; I’m having a dilemma.
    The whole backstory: There’s this guy and we liked each other, and even though we never told each other about our feelings, we kind of knew in some sort of way. For about four months we flirted back and forth, etc. but nothing serious ever happened, due to the fact that I was going to study abroad for six months. During my stay outside the country we barely even talked, which made me think I was just a crush and that he was over me, so I repressed my feelings about him.

    Then I come back home and he asks me what I would do if he asked me in the future to be his girlfriend. That took me by surprise, mostly because I had convinced myself he was over me. I was kind of drunk (dammit) and I told him that we needed to date a little bit (we had never gone out on a date). Days later I regretted saying that, but he never asked me out and five months later he showed signs that he was growing feelings for another girl. But then on Valentines he gave me a flower, and later asked me to prom. So I think he’s just confused between me and this other girl, or its all my imagination.

    He’s the shyest guy I’ve ever met, he never talks about his feelings, and his friends tell me they don’t understand what’s going on in his mind. So we’re going to a concert this weekend, and I was thinking of just confronting him, knowing he’ll never do it, and ask him if he sees us as friends or that something more can happen. Because really, it’s been two years. But my friends tell me to just forget about him and don’t confront him. They say that because he sometimes acts like he doesn’t care about me, and due to the fact he’s never had a gf, he’s really immature with the whole concept of what relationships consist of, etc.
    So should I talk with him about it or just forget him?
     
  12. xokay_nowx

    xokay_nowx Become, become, become

    My current philosophy on these situations is that if he wanted to ask me out he would have done so already, or he will in the future. He knows what to do if he wants to pursue me.
    But then some girls want to or don't mind being the one to do the asking or pursuing, so up to you and your personality really.
     
  13. Nephilim

    Nephilim Give me love.

    Talk to him, honestly. Shy guys like that can really surprise you once you get them to open up. And if you have feelings with him, it's more than worth asking about, it can't hurt if the way things are going, there's nothing to loose. I hope it goes well for you!

    I'm one to say that there's no reason a girl can't pursue the relationship though.
     
  14. bachillerata

    bachillerata Active Member

    Yeah, at first I kept telling myself that if he wanted to ask me out he would, but it has been two years, so I'm just getting the need to confront him and see what happens. Thank you both :)
     
  15. xokay_nowx

    xokay_nowx Become, become, become

    Good luck. :)
     
  16. Flock of Margot

    Flock of Margot New Member

    Swapped numbers with a guy this morning while eating breakfast at my cafe:
    Do I text him?
    Wait for him to text me?
    What should I say to him?
    He seemed kind of shy.
     
  17. I reckon if you don't hear from him for a few days text him and say "I'm going out for breakfast now, care to join me again? :)"

    And you obviously talked about something today if you swapped numbers. Just talk like you would to anyone. If he texts/calls you first, then ask how he is. I'd stick to how you met this guy though, centre around meeting up by getting breakfast again, coffee, that kind of thing :)
     
  18. Nephilim

    Nephilim Give me love.

    ^ That's a fantastic idea! I'd do that.
     
  19. Flock of Margot

    Flock of Margot New Member

    That is a perfect idea! I'll ask him Monday morning :)
     
  20. Aww thank you :) I didn't know if t would be the right idea or not. Best of luck with it though xx
     

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