To Disappear (Frerard) - The Black Parade

Slashable · 09-03-2008, 07:35 AM

To Disappear

By: Slashable.

Rating: T/M

Main Characters: Frank, Gerard

To Disappear: To pass out of sight either gradually or suddenly: evanesce, evaporate, fade, fade out, vanish.
To cease to exist: die.

This story is about wanting to disappear, obsessing about vanishing.
The loss of a twin, a twisted family, two funerals later things won't be the same ever again.
The wish to pass out of sight grows.

Warning: might be triggering for some people. Don't read if you don't like slash and can't stand swearing.

Disclaimer: I don't own My Chemical Romance. This story is written for fun only. I'm not making any provit out of it. (Need I say more?)

Index:
Prologue - Page 1
Chapter 1 - Page 2
Chapter 2 - page 3
Chapter 3 - Page 4

Slashable · 09-03-2008, 07:36 AM

To Disappear.

Prologue) Funerals.

There were a lot of flowers, more flowers than he’d ever seen in his life. Apart from that one time they were in France with the family for holidays. That had been such a nice time. Toby hadn’t hit him, not once, father hadn’t even yelled at him and mother had called him her ‘love’. He’d always remember that time, between all the sunflower fields. All the nightmares had disappeared… for two entire weeks. He hadn’t cried once, not once! And his head hadn’t hurt, like it always did after father or mother or Toby screamed at him or hit him for doing something stupid. The inside of his cheeks had healed completely, he hadn’t felt the urge to chew the flesh inside of his mouth to bits because he hated himself so much he wanted to feel the pain. Now he thought about it, those had been the only two weeks in his life that he hadn’t hated himself intensely.

The wind was blowing through the trees and through the flowers. People dressed in black had gathered, all in a neat line. Like his mother liked it… all neat and as it was supposed to be. But this wasn’t as it was supposed to be, not at all.

He looked from flower to flower, until finally his eyes fell on the wooden coffin. It was a beautiful coffin, made of the best, most expensive wood, dark wood, with engravings in black and golden ink. It looked so nice… it was beautiful, save for the fact there was a fifteen year old boy inside, dead. Toby had died at a party, he’d looked forward to the party a lot, not knowing what was waiting for him was a nauseating and head-aching death from an overdoses booze.

It had come to a surprise to the entire family. Toby? Drinking? The only one who knew about the alcohol consuming part of the boy was his twin-brother, who would never in his life dare to tell anyone about the time he’d walked in on his brother lurking at a tequila bottle. For Toby would have killed him… he wondered what would have happened if he had had the nerve to tell someone, would that have saved Toby this nasty death? Would his brother be at home right now, sitting in his room, listening to music, doing his homework as all the nice and good boys did? He had failed, he had failed so fucking hard it had actually killed someone. No, not just someone… it had killed Toby… his twin-brother… the one soul linked to his forever since the day they were born.

The coffin was slowly going down into the ground. The grass seemed so green against the dark wood, the grass slowly moving in the wind. Alive…

He heard the cry of his mother, worse… he heard how his father cried. His strong father, his father who was never sad… only angry. They were crying, both of his parents, holding each other, it almost seemed as if they cared about the one they married to long ago.

Frank stood there, no-one came near him. The only looks he received were blinding, dislike, disappointment… everyone knew Toby had been the good one out of the two, Toby had been the king of the family. Toby was the boy with potentials, the one who’d make it in life, the boy with the A in math, biology and arts. The boy with a twin brother not half the boy he was. The boy who never got a present when the twins had a birthday. Always in Toby’s shadow…

Frank got awoken out of his thoughts by a voice he at first didn’t recognize. Than he realized he had drifted back almost ten years. Just standing here at another grave was enough to bring back every memory of Toby. All the times they had had fun together, all the times they had fought, but most of all, the time after he was gone… the feeling of emptiness inside his soul, even though they had never loved each other. The feeling of being ripped apart, they had been twins after all.

“Frank, you okay?” Gerard asked again, as he’d not answered. He quickly nodded, eyes not focusing on anything that was really there, just images of Toby, images of where Toby should’ve been if he hadn’t died. Gerard took hold of him, putting his arms around him. Frank leaned in to the feeling, the warmth. He tried to lean in to it completely, letting the rest of the world disappear. Or rather, to disappear from it, but the voice of the priest going on about all the crap about heaven and angels and god kept him on the ground… weird enough. Suddenly he found himself crying, looking at the coffin that seemed so far away. The last time he’d seen the man inside that wooden coffin had been about 8 years ago, when he’d decided on walking away from home and disappear from that place forever. To disappear from his family forever… and here he was, in between them all… failed from doing a simple thing like disappearing. Like he was known to fail in everything he ever did. He cried harder, Gerard’s arms strong around his body as he leaned against him, taking hold of Gerard’s jacket, crying against his chest. He would never be able to do anything right, would he?

He than dared to look up at all the people in the perfect line. They were all there. Aunt Marie, Nana Anna, Christina and Ed, Aunt Marie and Uncle Eduard’s kids he recognized immediately. The once who always threw stones at him with Toby when there were bored. They had all grown though, they looked all grown up in their suites. They’d clearly figured it all out, earning probably what was quite a lot of money at the look of them. What had gone so fucking wrong with him, why had he failed so hard, even trying to simply disappear ended with him back in the middle of all the fucking attention at the death of his father. Leaving his mother and him to be the only ones left of the crappy family who went to France once and were happy for two entire weeks of the seventeen years they’d lived together before everything going back to ‘normal’.

He hadn’t even dared to face his mother… he hadn’t even given her the change to look at him properly. Passing her by as quickly as he could, hoping she wouldn’t recognize him as her son. His failing and good-for-nothing son. Gerard had noticed and stuck to his side ever since, keeping on asking if he was okay, if he really wanted to be here and if he thought it was a good idea to go to the ceremony. But Frank knew he had to, even though he hated the thought of being amongst the family that’d rejected him. It was his father that was buried today, he couldn’t stay away, although he’d hoped his disappearing had been successful. It hadn’t.

He watched as the coffin slowly disappeared into the ground… never to be seen again. Gone. He stared longingly as he would’ve loved to do the same right now, afraid of the conversations that were going to rise at any moment. Conversations about him… he didn’t understand why he felt so insecure all of a sudden, he felt seventeen again, young and vulnerable. The poor boy that was always looked down on. The boy that only got to hear how ugly, stupid and fat he was.

Even though it’d been eight years, being back between all these people made him realize time hadn’t actually taught him anything. He was still here, he was still the failed seventeen year old. Worse still, he was the only one his mother was left with, the boy who had failed at disappearing. And he was going to have to face her and tell her that, any moment now.

“Frank, if you don’t want to be here it’s totally understandable.” Gerard told him, probably noticing he was shaky and quite scared. “We can go, if you want to.”

“I can’t, I really can’t.” Frank replied, “I made a promise,” he said through gritted teeth, “I would never return, I would manage to disappear from all of their lives… look where I am now. Look!” He said, “I’m in the fucking middle of it, that’s my father’s grave… my fucking father! They’re all going to look at me… and see me, and know I failed. I’m not gone!”

“What are you on about, Frank?” Gerard asked, “what do you mean, you failed?”

“I failed to go forever.” Frank said, “and I know it sounds stupid… but I had this obsession with disappearing, and I thought I’d done a good job, but I realize now that I actually haven’t done such a good job after all.”

“You haven’t seen them in eight years, I think you did a pretty good job. Besides, why would you make this big a deal out of it? After today you’re just going to leave again, you don’t have to stay amongst these people if you don’t want to.” Gerard replied. Frank bit his lower lip, Gerard didn’t understand… it wasn’t that simple!

If you realize that the one thing you thought you’d done right, actually ended to be just as big a failure as every other thing you’d ever tried to do, it’s not really all that easy to say ‘ah, well, whatever.’

And that’s where the obsession returned.

Two days after the ceremony, they had decided it was time to leave New Jersey again, continuing their Europe tour. Frank couldn’t wait to get out of the United States, even though he now knew that just leaving a place didn’t mean you actually disappeared from it. God, he was going insane with all this thought about going, disappearing, leaving, never to return…

The conversation with his mother after the ceremony was one that was going to hunt him for another few weeks at least. Her eyes told him how much she hated to see him. Her voice told him how sad she was that the only one she was left with was her fucked up failed son. Her movements told him she wanted him gone as soon as possible.

She looked older than he’d remembered, age lines clearly visible in her face. Her hair had gone from the beautiful red it once was to grey. It was still curly though and it suited her green eyes. She was still the beautiful lady she once was. And he was still the ugly son he once was. Nothing had changed.

“I’m sorry.” Frank had said, he didn’t even really know why he told her he was sorry. She gave him a look of confusion and irritation. “I mean, I’m sorry for being here… and I’m sorry I’m the only one still alive.” She just nodded a bit unsure, but her eyes told him she was sorry too.

“I wish Toby was here.” She said bitterly. Frank nodded, feeling his heart sinking hearing his mother say Toby’s name with so much sadness. The only times he’d heard his mother speak his name, it had been out of pure loathe or rage.

He turned away from her, and quickly left this place. He went back to Gerard, who’d luckily said he’d go with him to the burial. Frank would’ve killed himself if he had to go through this alone.

“Let’s go home.” Gerard whispered, as Frank broke down in sobs again, he felt weak and was trembling badly. “Enough of this family crap… let’s go.”

**Nukyster** · 09-03-2008, 07:39 AM

HAH! *claims first fanspot* I MADE U DO IT!!!

Slashable · 09-03-2008, 07:43 AM

Yay! :D
And you totally made me post it... and now I need to go write more, otherwise I won't have anything to post. xD

MCR_Jerk · 09-03-2008, 11:15 AM

El!!
You posted it here :3
yay!
*claims number two fanspot*

punkemogirl0 · 09-03-2008, 12:36 PM

roooooohhhhh

i love it

poor frank *.*

famousXdeadX · 09-03-2008, 12:38 PM

wow!
this is absolutely amazing so far!
I'm definately going to be sticking around for this.
can't wait for the next update. 8D

-Elsi- · 09-03-2008, 03:33 PM

OOOH!

I love it!

awake-and-unafraid · 09-03-2008, 06:11 PM

yea!!!! i'll be #6... i so glad that i caught one of yous stories at the beginning. This almost happens!! *dances* this chapter is great! i really wanna know where they r gonna go.... and more importantly ....what happens next?!?!?! update when you can! :D

LostConvos · 09-03-2008, 10:23 PM

I claim next fanspot!!!*hops up and down while flailing arms

*
Absolutely wonderful.